So how was he last night?
Five-minute foot-long.
Hey. Did u tell any1 that I use Nuvaring?
Cuz 1 of ur bf's frat bros just asked me if I wanted to "play ring toss later"
she went apple picking. why dont we do cute things like that? let's go to a pumpkin patch!
because we're not cute. we're sluts. and sluts don't go apple picking.
they arrested me when i was peaking, i'm pretty sure they were specifically looking for me but i was too busy rolling around, loving the grass to notice the police car..
He said something pertaining to Ragu and vodka I'm worried
Woke up to a huge puddle of water in the living room floor, apparently I made an indoor snowman.
Thanks for last night. Sorry if i was obnoxious. I respect your morals and i wouldn't want you to lose your virginity to a drunk girl in your mom's prius.
There is a pink thong attached to a bottle of svedka hanging from my ceiling fan..is this yours?
Some chick just barfed in my math class. Everyone here is hungover. Yay community college
You were jumping on the trampoline and screaming that you couldn't feel the fire.
Seriously, this apartment is covered in body glitter. This chick musta been a huuuuuge slut. How do you get it across every surface?
Do you have any forwarding contact info?
Stop touching yourself.
Wtf!?!?!?! Did you install a camera???
wow, being home for Xmas is freaking weird on tinder. I went to high school with everyone I'm matching... The fact that this many jocks like me now is a huge ego boost from my lack of glory days.
...and I'm done. I just matched two boys I used to babysit without realizing it.
I dare you to find another dealer that delivers bud to your home along with deep fried vegan burritos
I showed up drunk and covered in glitter, smelling like stale booze and dirty stripper and my younger brother gave thanks his life wasn’t a shitshow like mine
That’s how my thanksgiving went
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