Sadly no. But I was pantsless when they came to get me. Which made me miss you...
I had a bacon mcgriddle for the first time today. It was like eating a baby angel.
when she said she would show you her other bow, she ment she wanted you to bend her over and see the tattoo on her lower back you idiot
Why am I drunk on a roof painting at 11 in the morning
If you're trying to subtly tell me that I look like Connie Chung, just stop it. I already know.
She tried to lure me back to her house by saying she had "real" pizza.
did you seriously make the punch out of vodka and food coloring
Found out why I didn't have to go drug test. My boss grew pot to pay for grad school.
Just start grabbing cocks. It can't go wrong! Just say you thought you knew him and wanted to check.
I feel like I'm going to shit out a Big Mac
That moment when your mom is so drunk she makes you get out of bed to lay in her bed because she thinks it feels like sleeping on a marshmallow peep....
He made me watch a sex tape him and his gf made. They were in the shower when her roommate walked in on them. Not kidding: she asked to join in.
I hate him. He gets laid, my dick gets laughed at.
In other news, the one guy I DIDN'T have sex with in High School is now famous.
I don't know which is worse, the fact that his name is Kevin or the fact that he has a pornstache.
Listening to The Little Mermaid soundtrack should cure my drunkeness right?
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