His text read: Sex? I replied: Not drunk enough. He bought 4 more rounds and tantalized me with the offer pizza later. This could be the beginning of a beautiful relationship.
I'm so high that a hulu ad convinced me to go on healthybaby.com
So, i took all the condoms from his nightstand, not in the crazy ex way, but in the I paid for them way.
How am I suppose to fully love you when you cant even open up and try to fulfill my midget fantasy
can't blv i tried using a "backpack" as a unit of measurement...i drank a lot of beer last night
I had to explain the gravity bong to my mom. Right after she pointed out I have a lot of dicks on my floor at any given moment.
You slammed your face into the toilet and declared you were moving your bed into the bathroom in the morning. Also, you insisted on crawling everywhere because feet are "overrated."
who's job is it to make sure we don't run out of tp since the incident of 09'... Thats right you go get some
I think I'm the only sober person in the whole bar. If you count drinking less than 10 tequilas sober.
He said, "cum on daddy's dick!" ... I pictured my dad. That just scarred me for life.
Someone brought brownies to work and I was skeptical to eat one then I remembered I was at work and there is no way there is weed in them. Haha I'm blaming you for that.
Also did I tell you guys about the time that I balled for like an hour at a frat and made them play wagon wheel and then cleaned their bathroom
You then played what you called "a smooth jazz rendition of talk dirty to me" all thrusting your crotch at the bartender. Mom looked horrified, but my dad couldn't stop laughing
My credit card got frozen due to suspicious activity. "Let's go over your recent transaction history... it looks like these are all at bars." BITCH, DON'T JUDGE MY MONDAY NIGHTS.
He grabbed at it like it was a stress ball or something. It's a boob, not a grapefruit. The fuck.
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