my cat ate my toast this morning while i was getting dressed. i can already tell today is going to suck.
"I could never have "feelings" for someone who, at one point, wanted to "hate fuck" my face."
If you're still awake, how rude would it be if I masturbated in her new apartment on moving day? If you're asleep, then ask me how it was.
You were rubbing your foot on one of your legs and kept saying, "My sock feels like a waterslide!"
Is it appropriate to put "Mommy and Daddys shitfaced-ness that led to Aubrey" on a birth announcement?
Well you two just had a kid in the middle of college, I dont think anyone will notice.
Thanks bro
Worrying about "What smells like cat pee?" is so much easier than worrying about "What am I doing with my life?"
Well my summer started by me waking up in a tube on the side of the pond this morning with 2 of my friends. So that's good..
Just to be a PITA after I die, my will leaves 1 cent to each of my FB friends. I hate my lawyer.
I would rather her be sleeping with someone new than getting to go Harry Potter world before me...
Someone left a middle school yearbook here. I recognized one kid from banging his mom last year.
The sex definitely would have been a perk. But not sitting in a ditch was what I was going for...
Wanna meet at the diner for breakfast? all I've eaten in the past 24 hours is glitter and penis. starvingg.
i spent most of my hangover doing the math to figure out the last of the alcohol would be metabolized from my system.
thank you pre-med degree.
a reward? ill think of something
if its not drugs or food I swear to god ill throw a fit
It’s bad enough my brother slept with half of the sorority this year, but now he’s lifeguarding at the club and every divorcée and cougar in town is asking me for his number. My twin is a manwhore and I’ve become his pimp.
Randomize
