I puked while I was brushing my teeth this morning and had to get a new tbrush
Ew, did you brush them again?
Yeah but i puked on the new one and decided to give up...failure
Crown is evil. It plays hide and seek with my morals
Some dude just bet me $8 I couldn't smoke a pack of cigarettes in an hour...It sounds stupid, but I really wanna do it. If I survive, I'll have $8 and it'll look good on my resume.
just balanced a champagne glass on my gut. thanks to beer im a living breathing tempur-pedic mattress.
my momz letting me make the christmas card in photoshop
so that means christmas in space?
imma make our dead cats ghosts like obi wan kenobi
should i be impressed or disgusted that i was spitting glow-in-the-dark?
at one point he was caressing me in the kitchen asking me my name over and over again and then asking what my favorite continent was
You probably don't remember this but last night I bought you a lap dance from a stripper that had nipples that looked like runny eggs....you're welcome.
This is like the time you took a picture of your knees and told him it was your tits, isn't it?
I'm glad we are bonding over both contracting clamidya. Winners.
100%
Today, my boyfriend informed me that I look like my dad when I orgasm
Dude. Why is there a hamster in my pocket? WHAT THE FUCK WAS IN THAT JOINT
It got quiet and we all stood around and opened the box and I've never seen so many burritos in my life man. it was fucking biblical.
I am on my usual post-jerkoff high of eternal happiness. Like I could punch a fucking tiger.
Bacon and your penis are involved. Of course I'm going over.
Randomize
