Sorry if I ruined your sex last night with my constant text updates about the plot of Bolt.
Also, the wait staff kept prematurely clearing my Manhattans. Not sure if it was an oversight or a hint.
The staff doesn't like it when you try and take your wheelchair for a joy ride since I've been waiting for an hour and a half.
I woke up in nothing but a shower cap and your sparkling coke straw snorter thing inbetween my toes. Explain.
Look. You've gotta stop making this about you, and make it about my vagina.
He really thought ahead and just left the tequila in the mail box for late night pickup. Best. Friend. Ever.
You understand the drunkenness of my drunkenness
It just smells like spaghetti and despair.
He compared my blow job skills to finding gold treasure in a gold chest, so there's that.
A girl in McDonalds just asked if I was in here wasted a few nights ago throwing fries at the staff, I said it was my twin
We both know that wasn't me
I showered three hours ago and yet feel the need for another one already. This is my day.
just spent the last 20 minutes cleaning out the soap dispenser. fuck. me. adderall.
I'll be naked. By 11. Then arrested. Drunk tank adventures
I love you so much and not just because your dick is perfect
You drank whiskey for 9 hours and did not eat anything.Nothing good was going to come from that.
Randomize
