sober me hid the cigs from drunk me. sober me is a tricky bitch.
Call me pathetic, but saying "tits for ireland" is working out really well on chatroulette today.
Drunk. I slept-stripped.
By myself.
Hes screaming about Slender man. whatever hes on is probably not healthy.
We are going all out this weekend. My liver is already smiling.
Let's just say my vagina is not superimpressed with the superintendent of schools.
She can drink whiskey without a chaser and has a fridge full of whipped cream. Girlfriend potential
I gave her at least chlamydia. Maybe worse. She is also into chicks and loves taking naked pics. It's like the less I believe in Jesus, the more he rewards me.
They turned motor-boating me into some kind of sick game
Tell me again why I left before the topless cake fight
Woke up in the middle of my kitchen clutching a cheesy gordita crunch
Just followed a blind kid around for 20 minutes to see how awesome his guide dog was. And he was pretty fucking awesome
I just wrote a love letter to my weed and texted it to my cousin. I can't say it any differently. It happened.
I made out with him in the club and he endorsed me on Linkedin. My networking skills are off the charts.
I couldnt sleep the entire night because her cats kept reaching under the door like they were trying to eat me for taking their place on her bed.
I always knew youd fuck a cat lady
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