phone sex would be way better if there was an app for that...
I swear every time I make the effort to make my hair look nice, someone jizzes in it.
If he thought that flying across an ocean to visit me in London constituted sex, he thought wrong.
HOLD ONTO YOUR PANTIES AND SAY GOODBYE TO THE REMAINDER OF YOUR INTEGRITY
She said she forgot something.. and when she came out she was carrying a garden gnome, and a bottle of vodka. she was too hot to question it.
The front camera on the 5S is SO much better. This is great development for my international sexting.
all i've had to eat today is leftover bday cake and a shot of tequila.
welcome to college.
I called you a cum goblin in my voicemail. I stand by it.
Of all the things I've masturbated to while high, my favorites are ritz chips and trees
now to finish some work and then i think i'll work out. or garden. or at the very least I'll continue eating frozen grapes and take more drugs
He hand fed me trail mix then I watched the video of me the next morning. He was actually feeding me meow mix.....that drunk. I still have no regrets marrying him
I'm sorry I crashed your motorcycle and watched you get robbed from a rooftop. Will you please come back or at least drop off my shoes?
Nxt time we drink that much, we'll have to hide the crayons. Crayola-ing a mural on the living room wall wasnt the brightest idea, but it sure is classy. Right?
If only he'd realize the fondness I have for his genitals.
Lunch date was a success. And you'll be proud- my legs stayed closed.
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