saw him outside... he got fatter, i got blonder. the winner is obvious.
dont touch anything in my room. If its phallus shaped, i can almost guarantee its been in my vagina.
we seriously had to hang a plastic bag on his ears so he could throw up right into it.
It's such a good feeling to send those "I'm not in jail" texts on Sunday morning
What's standard gratutity for someone having a miscarriage on stage at a strip club? It's important.
Woke up on a mattress on a roof this morning with a pair of briefs next to me. Oh fleet week.
I've shit my pants 4 times in 12 hours... Never trust a fart when u pass 30
Well, most of my extended family doesnt know about my love for the penis, so they dont have a reason to disown me
I think I'm drunk at the airport. Oh the possibilities
Chris used to fill up a Camel Back for thirsty Thursday. God I really miss him, do you remember when he gets out of jail?
These girls just walked into this party as reverse cowgirls... Wearing cowboy clothes all backwards
Today I found out that my boss keeps a breathalyzer on his desk for just these sort of shenanigans
Like its not even midnight and I've already had enough of her for all of 2015
THIS THING HATES MY LIVER
We got really excited for country fried steak then we had sex.
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