An ex-gang member just asked me out on a date via note. And spelled dinner wrong. Win?
If I've learned one thing today? Blow jobs get you to state championships.
Alright. Who did it? Who's bangin' the ump?
When health care reform is passed, I'm throwing a kegger
You are the reason we need health care reform
So, I picked up my 7 ft tall lamp post and used it to close my door. I feel quite accomplished.
No, I didn't like him that much. But I took one for the team. And by the team I mean me and my vagina.
It's like his dick is pushing through his pants and driving him over here.
Something's wrong. My throat is definitely not in it's normal spot. Way too low.
she is legit wearing a plastic bag around her neck as a necklace. she says it serves two purposes.
I threw all my money on the ground and said it was for homeless people and fell down the stairs
She was wearing my robin hood hat from Halloween shouting "steal from the rich and give to the poor, mothafuckaaaaas." We are taking her everywhere.
Ps you missed quite a show. I was for some reason whipping my hair back and forth and head butted the tip jar. It shattered and now I have a circular bruise on my forehead. All the bartenders hit the floor to get all the quarters.
And that was the night we had mind-blowing sex with the score from Raiders of the Lost Ark blaring on vinyl in the background...
So I sent him a snap of me half naked holding a pie last night.
I sexted him with a GIF from titanic and it worked....
God I miss you. I would very much like to have sexual intercourse with you. I'm home eating chicken alfredo.
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