We were having sex on the balcony and this guy walked by, so drunkily i said "dont move, he cant see us if we dont move."
Im drinking a beer thats called vuuve which is boobs in begian. I think my life is complete.
but instead of smelling like hand cream and homemade cookies, she smells like a yeast infection.
I wish they made helmets for livers.
Mmmhmmm sure, nice try, but there's certain wounds that only bj's can heal
i was laying in her brothers bed, in his old room. and i kept getting the chills. i didn't know if it was a draft or the ghosts of BJ's past.
did i try to light ur hair on fire with a sparkler at the club saturday?
I went around and congratulated every guy that had a beard for having one
Goddamn tequila
What's the politically correct way of saying you've made someone your bitch?
This coke is making my nose hairs dance. That good.
I should send him a pic of my crotch with the caption "thanks for the memories"
Did we have sex last night?
No. You laid in my bed and I brought you taco bell.
Do you think they manscape in the zombie apocalypse?
Paycheck hits in 37 minutes and I literally just emptied my handle of Tito's. If that isn't budgeting like a fucking adult, I don't know what is.
I feel like a dancer trapped in the body of a math instructor. Love, Mom
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