I've been reduced to Capt. Morgan and Golden Girls reruns. Ugh.
i celebrated the independence of our country by dry heaving tequila all morning. so classy. happy 4th.
so we'll all just be running around naked, basically. and high.
Busta Rhymes just yelled at me! He cut a song off and I was clapping and he looked right at me and said "don't fucking clap." I was that white guy.
woke up to an unread text message i sent to myself: "brreakfdast..pork and ice cream."
would really like to know how the teddy bear got super glued to my testicles.
just went back to the bar and asked if they found a shoe last night.
If we can put a man on the moon, I'm sure we can turn a pringles can into a bong.
I look like I just got gang banged and I'm wearing a Taylor swift t shirt. It's not gonna be a pretty breakfast.
Oh! You were the one walking around cradling the bottle of Fireball all night!
Her mom is a nurse who got called in to declare someone dead. Just got wing manned by a corpse.
Homeboy just asked me to strip for him. He should not be this horny and allowed to be in Vegas with his kid.
Came home to butt plugs and dildos in the bathroom sink WTF
Spring cleaning
What does it mean when the government shuts down and your boyfriends wife wants a divorce ON YOUR BIRTHDAY?
Mike's not allowed to drink vodka anymore. He couldn't get his temporary tattoos (stickers) to stick so he super glued them on.
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