Just soaked up some whiskey with a paper towel and then squeezed it into a cup for consumption. New low.
i just found an uncooked ramen noodle in my underwear
she just made me lysol my hands in order to touch her tits.
The cab driver just finished telling me how leaving community college after one month was the best desicion he ever made.
We were sexting and then the radio announced robert pattinson would be playing kurt cobain in a movie and it totally killed the mood
Margaritas are 250 calories. Now measuring all food in margaritas
she made out with a stripper. how was scrabble night with your girlfriend
We made the pizza boy do Jell-o shots with us. He didn't even deliver to our house, we just called him over from the neighbors
how many times have i told you.. they dont like when you laugh during sex
I HAVE NEVER BEEN FRIENDZONED IN MY LIFE AND THIS GIRL IS GOING TO MAKE ME QUESTION EVERYTHING. LIKE A GODDAMN CUNT. A WONDERFUL, BEAUTIFUL, MAJESTIC, LESBIAN CUNT.
The homeless guy who goes through my garbage cans just gave me a flyer for an AA group.
Like I want to yell at him for pissing on my floor but there's still a chance its my pee....
I can't wait to get home and drunk cuddle your dog
Bro, it was an EPIC night once again last night. I’m so sorry that you saw me naked.
This is the fourth guy that I've broken in to gay sex. How the hell do they find me?
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