I'm sorry I'm just not ready to become vampire yet
My lawyer watched my DUI video. Said of the thousand or so he's seen, mine was one of the top ten best.
Why did I call the Oregon Department of Transportation at 4:30 in the morning, and who did I talk to for three minutes?
Was it cool?
About as cool as only getting a handjob on your honeymoon.
you ever feel like there is a sober person insided you pointing and laughing....?
You should come over. I am making a celebratory I got laid by a huge penis cake.
This adderall has me convinced I'm an Econ major.
I woke up with my bra stapled to the ceiling, her dad was in the hallway winking at me. I was the less drunk of the bunch.
also, just kill me. literally hit me with a vehicle, or an aircraft, something that will ultimately make me forget tonight.
110% paid for our cab with a lap dance
These bubbles make my penis feel like it is resting on clouds.
Omg one of the midgets from last night just added me to Facebook.
Got out of the uber to projectile vomit in the McDonald's drive thru. Gonna take a break from the Cuervo for a while.
My room looks so cute. Who wouldn't want to hook up with me in here?
If I lock her out of the apartment right now would the neighbors have grounds to sue?
Randomize
