I jerked off enough times today to safely commit to the fact that im not getting laid tonight
We've been broken up for 7 months. His mom sent me a card with a brochure inside titled "How at Risk for STD's are you?"
Police were closing down the bar due to gunfight and I was crying because they wouldn't let me finish putting temporary shamrock tats on my boobs
You have to come over we all bought drinking hats. Mine has a turtle on it. Side note: somehow someone got their hands on 50 candied apples and we need to eat them...
She apparently grabbed another girl and pulled her into the shower fully clothed. When the girl was like "you need to stop" she curled up into a ball and refused to leave.
Whoa, you know how to pick em.
I find out next week of the Australian was lying about his vasectomy or not. Keep your fingers crossed!
When the doctor said the anal leakage might not be reversible without some lifestyle changes you start asking if it's worth the entertainment value.
New life rule, no banging opera singers. I might be a little deaf now
You kept trying to use my cat as a napkin.
So if a girl goes for it you're gonna stop her and tell her you gave up ejaculation for lent?
Going through my bras is like traveling back in time through my past hookups and relationships....
I'm the man of the house if we're referring to livers.
New rule: if you don't think racism exists, you don't get to put your penis inside me.
Hey know anyone who wants 58 lbs of whole frozen chickens for a couple bowls?
I hooked up with the sexiest couple in the LAX BATHROOM IN THE CHANGING FAMILY ROOM HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAA
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