I really hope you get sexually violated by a pterodactyl tonight.
I just feel like a little gay dolphin in a massive sea
It's like the god of all feather dusters, but for your vagina
It really is the softest mustache
Just warning you now f you do not get intoxicated with me in front of the family on thanksgiving we are not related.
official rule: if your drunk, it doesn't count
then nothing in my life counts
Champagne pong turned into an expensive and painful experience.
i dont remember how or why, but i now have 3 coupons for a free BJ from Anise stapled to my right arm.
I'm watching Russian dudes pole-dance. For research.
I feel like I should remember what we did after leaving the party because apparently a llama was involved, but all I can manage is the part where I asked you to cuff my ankle to the bed so I wouldn't backflip away.
They are going to name an STD after you.
Too bad I can't un-pee in his body wash
you flipped over the sheets and there was my bed. filled with ding dongs.
oh, i solved that problem. i told him i wanted to steal my roommate's nephew. radio silence. haven't heard from him since.
I TAUGHT HER CAT TO SIT. CATS DON'T FUCKING SIT ON COMMAND. BUT THIS ONE DID!
It's basically my crowning achievement.
Dad danced on top of the bar with me last night. And has a video of me doing a beer bong.
Randomize
