I think the phrase "bag of smashed assholes" describes it best
I'm going to go hang out on a giant wooden pirate ship for 5 days.
did you hook up at the wedding?
No but I jerked off on the hotel sheets. I wanted to get my moneys worth.
thanks for brining me home and putting me in my bed. the pillow fort your built around me is also appreciated.
Holy shit, you lost your virginity on 11/11/11. Now every time someone fucks you, they can make a wish. Your vagina has officially been transformed into a wishing well.
I found you laying in the kitchen with a bottle of vodka and a slice of bologna on your face. You said you were having a spa day.
I think he offered to cook me dinner or cook me for dinner. Not really sure. Just smiled and nodded.
You said you liked how I put the cream cheese on.
You can fuck right off with that, "If the earthquake isnt bigger than 5.0, we native Californians dont get out of bed." I am from Chicago. I can handle freak flash floods, polar vortexes and tornados. But my bed violently shaking at 6:30 in the morning is cause for some understandable concern.
All of my Tinder matches have neck tattoos. It's like God wants me to go to jail again.
I woke up with a black eye and a buttplug...not sure I really want to know what happened.
Between the deep breathing and nipple piercings , I thought I was in the twilight zone
I woke up in a bush somewhere in Tucson with a full suit on. Great way to end my birthday.
Nate is still in lock up because when the cop informed me he'd shit his pants in the squad car I declined to post bail.
Hey. Did I get punched in the face last night?
Yeah. I told you I would and you didn't believe me.
Randomize
