i think i would be perfectly content if, on my deathbed, i could look back on a life that didn't have any fisting in it
I just high-fived this girl after she swallowed.
Add "its too hot" to reasons why I don't get fucked anymore
I just threw up, I'm either bulemic or pregnant, and I'm now accepting bets on which it is
There's nothing like vomiting in the restroom at work to remind you that you're not in college anymore.
This text is addressed to sober me: getting drunk by yourself may have seemed like a Good idea at first bit it can tell you that it wasn't ad fun as you thought it would be
Ps your lap top bag is FULL of empty beets
What wine did you feed Jack? Might not want to waste the good stuff on kitties. Kitties only get box wine.
If the Cards come back I will fly to St Louis and shit in a very public place.
She just rubbed her face up and down my six pack cooing. Equal measure of weird and hot.
You know that girl that climbed through my window and got in my bed with me and fucked me? It turns out she was real and has a real boyfriend who is real pissed
We kinda got asked to leave the strip club and on the way out, you fell again. When you finally got up we got a standing ovation from the girls behind the bar and you took a bow. It was awesome.
ok so i got home drunk and was cleaning my kitchen and i was shaking out the throw rug and dropped it out the window, i'm sorry
IF YOU DIE ON LSD YOU DIE FOR REAL
raging hangover at work with a lunchable dreaming of the sex ill never have. my life is perfect.
My mom purposely got me drunk so I can stay at her house bc "we don't spend enough time together." I blacked out anyway, so we didn't spend time together regardless.
Randomize
