i need a penis for penetration, you wont do.
oh yeah... my b.
Earlier, I saw a homeless man that looked like Abe Lincoln, and I just saw a guy walk past wearing crocs and socks. I'm beginning to like this city less and less
I'm drinking ghetto ass mojitos!
Wow. How can mojitos be ghetto?
Squirt + bacardi limon + limes = ghetto mojitos
I just remembered Dan asking me all polite in the middle of sex "do you mind if I get behind you?" that was the most polite way I've been asked to do it doggy style
Why is there not a 'day after acid' genre. Or even a pandora station or something.
It's 4th of July all over again, we were chasing with the pool water.
I just realized my life is a timeline of drunken injuries.
Do what? I was just saying that at some point there's a chance I'll have a boner. Think of it like a guessing game. "Does he have one now?"
Look if 10 am was too early to go barrel tasting the winery would not be open.
Oh I will totally be your beard, but on one condition I get to watch you and your boy friend have sex.
Don't know why you're always hating on relationships. I've had chocolate pancakes accompanied by a blowjob and a blunt and it's not even 9 am. Time for mid morning shower sex. Enjoy your morning bong bowl alone asshole
I told him I was gunna have sex with him in both of our cars at the same time.
I'm not strong. I'm hormonal, sad, lonely, and trying to get laid via tinder
He told me he was cooking me a special dinner tonight. His "five star meal" was popcorn in champagne glasses, and chic fil a sauce in jello shot containers to dip the popcorn in. He still tries to convince me he doesn't smoke weed anymore.
.......do you have the salami in bed? I'm trying to make a sandwich.
Randomize
