dude! the alphabet song and twinkle twinkle little star are like the same tune
what drug did you take to come to that conclusion??
The remote chance that I may get a blowjob is about the only reason I have a shower every day.
You ended at least 6 stories with "and that's why I don't snort coke anymore"
My natural self cock block skills kicked in last night. I could've got on like 2 chicks but i ended up throwing up all over my van instead.
Maybe someone other than the mad hatter should have gone with him to the ER
Update: I just puked into a sock. It was the only thing available at the time. Why I happened to be holding a sock, we may never know.
Apparently campus cops frown on lighting a joint off of the eternal flame on Jerry Falwell's grave...
That was the apt with beer in the juice and the floor caving in. Don't go.
I jumped out of a moving car going sixty into my driveway because I had to shit so bad. It is not a good day today.
He carried around a bottle of jäger the whole night and when everyone thought the cops came, he started doing push ups in the middle of the floor cause he said it calmed him down.
I'm still laying in bed cuz I don't feel like adulting yet
I'm thinking my boss switched to all cordless keyboards and mouses so that none of us would hang ourselves in the office.
Just showed my drunk fiancé where I got circumcised, she's been crying for twenty minutes.
I'm trying to drink up the confidence to run in public.
OH MY GOD YOU GUYS I JUST FOUND OUT I HAD PHONE SEX THE OTHER NIGHT
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