Came home to a chalk baord that read:" Think like a rapist." Can't say I'm surpirsed.
FUCK TREES I CLIMB BUOYS MOTHERFUCKER
STOP listening to that song
The things that come out of my body both amaze and disturb me.
I got to work, greeted my staff, then went into the bathroom to throw up. Who hired me to run a business???
I should be nowhere even remotely near facebook in this condition.
Dude apparently i ran into the middle of a half marathon last night and some how won
He told me his mother taught him that move. What the hell do I say to that?
Im at target. Idk why I'm buying condoms AND a tutu for my cat. No one who dresses their cat up has ever gotten laid.
Nobody in the ambulance liked me...
Im about to get a baby alligator stoned, what are you doing with your life?
Apparently, "please don't I have to be in court tomorrow" is not a valid excuse for a girl to abstain from giving a massive hickey.
Wife and kids came home early...naked passed out covered in chili cheese Fritos dad will haunt them forever.
I put on pants and a bra for you and you never showed up. There is no forgiveness for that.
my nose is crying tears of wow.
I don't know what else is in your wedding gift, but I just pulled out a pair of handcuffs in front of her grandmother.
Also a whip and a blindfold. Don't be a bitch, enjoy it!
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