I need to find out who his wife is so I can fuck her before he gets to mine.
I think even Ryan Seacrest is disgusted with the thought of Ryan Seacrest getting some.
Is it wrong of me that I wish I could be a midget for a day so I can give head standing up?
I should probably file for unemployment. Sometime between last night and 4 AM I facebooked my manager the lyrics to hoe by ludacris. I'm just projecting ahead here.
Does the blue bra belong to your sister or cousin?
It's like being the highest you've ever been, then doing about 20 shots, and chasing them with lines of coke. All while laying on the surface of the sun.
The instructions say refer to specific course material, but I'm in no mood to reopen this awful book that caused me so many lost hours of drinking.
Yeah FUCK THAT NOISE
I was like kind of drunk but mostly just very enthusiastic about beyonce
i spent 45 minutes yellng Heather I feel so bad i wanna die and then 45 more yelling I DONT WANNT TO DIE. thats how drunk i was
Meanwhile I'm googling glory holes in Vegas
Please don't tell me that blonde guys name is Matthew I won't be able to fuck a guy with my brothers name
Accepting his friend request would be the Facebook equivalent of pity sex.
This is either the best idea i've ever had or the worst. stay tuned.
Either my apartment is haunted or I'm far more drunk than I thought
I just realized this morning that my fridge is stocked with coronas, hot dogs, and cheese dip. And I just got waxed. High-five, your best friend is on track to be all kinds of slutty fun this wkd.
Randomize
