There could not be a more unattractive person. She just told me her period was so bad that she got sick. I think my penis retracted and killed himself
she met some random, took his vcard, peed in his bed, left, and then requested him as her boyfriend on facebook
Dude, I just cut my asshole on the new toilet paper. If you rationed the grocery money to buy drugs, I better be getting some.
'Well you know, stuff happens' isn't really an excuse for sticking a cheeto in my ear
I miss you more than I would miss junk food if I went on a diet. And you've seen me eat, you know how desperate I'd be.
I still have a scar from the last time she gave me a handjob. There is NO WAY i'll stick my dick anywhere near her again
Its not that hard, just find a girl reading 50 shades of grey and point her my way
He was running late for work this morning, so I helped him out by finding a matching pair of black socks. And I hated it. So I'm currently drinking and reminding myself of the reasons I will never get married.
I didn't know whether to laugh at the fact that a dog bit his balls or throw up cause my dad was telling me a story involving his balls.
Look on the bright side: Now that I'm sleeping with both the exs it's good bye to drunk sexting the 'wrong one'.
well i mean, we just followed them into an alien and astronaut party. there was tin foil everywhere
I put a zucchini in my pussy for you
I found one of those wine glass confetti bits in my ass crack.
i regret nothing
brb throwing up in the dishwasher
i regret everything
You were throwing up into a trash can full of used condoms. I had to intervine.
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