One little Beyonce reference and he turns on me faster than liberals on Jon Mackey
theyre just this beautiful family of functioning alcoholics. i want them to adopt me.
Michael Bay is the white Tyler Perry.
She paints her nails the color of the sheets of the last guy she slept with
Woke up to pictures of me cooking wings with a blow torch.
We are not buying weed off a guy from the internet.
The cops forgot your handle of tequila when they took you away. Taking shots in your honor amigo
It's my coworker's last day party and I'm the one who ended up shitfaced on the train with half a bottle of belvedere in my bag.
It is no longer St. Patrick's Day. I should NOT still have green boobs!
i need to start buying Plan B in bulk and leaving them at the door. I'm really sick of walking to CVS with my one-nighters
I don't really feel bad about it, but I legit just squirted in the back of an Uber and it makes me think how many times has this happened before?!?!
PokemonGo as navigation to get some at 5:13 AM. Life choices, yo.
After we'd both come, we started writing a book about dragons. Woke up this morning to a full English breakfast. Can't thank you enough for introducing us
And then you screamed, "I JUST WANNA POUR MAPLE SYRUP ALL OVER HIM AND RAVISH HIS BODY!!"
WHY DON'T YOU WANT TO BE MY ESKIMO BRO
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