I just spent the last 30 minutes shaving my asshole.
nobody understood you. You kept speaking french and hiding shit in your boobs
Her "get-your-paper-done-early-blowjob" incentive is the thing that has successfully deterred my procrastination
it makes it look bigger when i shave, i hope its not the same for a girl
Pretty sure I left lotion and my bra in your car. I've secured your fathers belief that your straight. You can thank me later
I cant. There's fences everywhere and I think I have a boyfriend. Its fabulous.
You slow clapped the stripper last night.
I think the old lady next to me at the bar just saw your pussy
You kept saying we got to find the end of the rainbow, which turned out to be a box of lucky charms and Guinness in the bag of cereal
Eating an avocado like an apple while doing shots of fireball and watching finding nemo. I need to get my shit together.
There is a reason my most meaningful relationship since 2012 has been with Duracel...
Do you remember telling the Uber driver that "his cologne makes you want to bone"?
how do i say "cradle the balls" in Italian
Side note: I apologize for sex being the subject of every single one of my texts. That's what happens when you date an older man who constantly denies you sex on the basis of his ridiculous morals.
If you ever get divorced...would you call me??
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