you handed me your bra at the bar and said 'hold my purse'
This girl brought half a watermelon to class. I want to be on her level.
I opened a jar of Ragu so I could use it as a cup. You tell me how it's going.
My boyfriend just sent me flowers. I am now crying at the fact i fucked my fat neighbor. God please help me.
and this is why we should make december sharting awareness month.
Just got my first unemployment direct deposit!!!' celebrating at the beach
Me toooooo!! Margaritas
I never knew being a drain on a functioning society would feel so good
we started the countdown to drunken sledding this weekend.
A valiant attempt to obtain a backhoe was made
So then I proceeded to the kitchen to make my "specialty," which consisted of a frozen veggie burger topped with peanut butter. I guess he ate it too.
Idk dude but he said something bout his "dick was gonna be so tan" then he jus jumped out of the car
We also had a full on debate about how realistic and useful teleportation and time travel would be...and only used Twilight Zone episodes as "scientific evidence"
Shhhh less advice, more soothing words and dirty phrases
I am so not sober enough to have a 5 minute conversation in Spanish
Anyways enough about genital fatigue...
I just chased my birth control with Smirnoff. Shit's about to go down.
Randomize
