I made my friend ***** cry when I wouldn't let her call u for an orgy at 3am...I didn't think you'd be to happy being woke up
My mind said no, but my drink said yes.
Oscar is the man. He keeps getting pictures of hot nude women with messages in spanish saying "i hope you like it" sent to his phone
whose oscar?
the baller who i guess decided to give out a fake number at the bar last weekend. luckily that fake number was mine. i have enough porn to last me until next month.
i don't know how it's possible. but i just bought groceries for a week with the money i made off returning empties
They shoved things up my nose I feel violated
Still at home. Videotaping hamsters.
A guy with a mustache poured a beer down your throat while you had a crippled boy named Sunshine riding your back
she's the poster child for how alcoholism can be fun.
I can now say I know getting hit in the face with a flying tortilla is not fun
Going on a first date tonight...pros: my boobs look amazing. Cons: my abortion isn't until next week.
I went to smoke a bowl and realized that my lighter is out and there's still frozen blueberries in my bong... I need to reevaluate my life...
I just opened a beer with a child's toy at a 5 year olds birthday....can you look up the next AA meeting?!!
That awkward moment when you realize you've been secretly blackout dating someone for three months. Drunk me is in a committed relationship.
I'm waiting for you in a manthong right now.
Can you cover for me after lunch? I’ve never seen a guy who cums as much as my new Side Dick so now I need to clean the house before my husband gets home
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