I didn't talk to you tonight because I've decided you look like a man.
she'd have to be at LEAST a cup size bigger for me to even consider putting up with her voice
I think I know how big ted kennedy's penis is.
It was literally me in an evening gown and him in a tux with six bottles of Vodka at Jons.
And this was for your brother's Christening?
Rubbed one out while on hold to buy tickets to Disneyland. Feel simultaneously like a freak and strangely productive.
i bought another $5 worth of vodka. with change. i look like a homeless alcoholic. i need your dino cups or else i'll be forced to make a giant jello bowl shot
I don't even know. I woke up in the bathtub with no shirt, covered in towels holding what appeared to be vanillia pudding mixed with captain morgan.
We role played last night. I was Brandon Inge and she was some slut from Toledo. Let's just say Triple A might not be so disappointing after all.
apparently I crawled into someone's bed and demanded they call me 'big dog' before shotgunning a beer
It wasn't even dirty talking, it was more like the soothing gentle nonsense noises you make when you've spooked a horse.
also my alarm just went off. I am always amused at what time drunk me decides to wake up.
My buddy just got straight up kicked out of the bar on my bday for water boarding people with beer and bar towels
Also I think I drunkenly signed up to be an uber driver or something because they keep emailing me to fill out a background check
For future reference, when he drunkenly screams "YOUR MOTHER SUCKS COCKS IN HELL," he means that he's about to throw up. Invest in a bucket.
I have a video on my phone of someone streaking in my house last night, do you have any idea who it is?
Randomize
