is it bad if my mug shot looks better than my profile picture?
the jolly green giant just puched the pope. halloween is the best.
I've been drunk so often this summer being sober is exciting
Because when I say 'You shouldn't drink anymore', she hears, 'I personally challenge you to chug 3 more mixed drinks'
Well i'm not entirely sure considering he gave my vagina an early valentine's day card that said "you're purrfect."
How many bratwuest were you able to fit in your mouth at one time? It's me, Hans.
Text me if you also stopped reading harry potter in the 4th grade and wanna go to the bars tonight instead of the midnight premiere
She called me her guardian angel after I picked her phone up from the river of pee coming from her front porch.
I saw a guy do a line this morning in line to start the 5k, happy thanksgiving!
I'm calling in my "fuck at anytime anywhere" card. Meet me at my place in 20 min, wear your Waldo costume.
I miss you, too. It's hard to sleep without anything licking my head.
bring the pregnancy test and the margarita mix, see you in 15
He texted me at 4:30 in the morning saying "I'm not drunk but I think you're beautiful" and then a facebook message at 6 am saying "hi" and the subject was "oh"
I don't know what else is in your wedding gift, but I just pulled out a pair of handcuffs in front of her grandmother.
Also a whip and a blindfold. Don't be a bitch, enjoy it!
I peed on his bed and he still likes me. #keeper
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