I now officially know the distance between my two boobs is one twizzler.
The walk of shame is far, far worse on crutches.
Wow thanks 4 throwing jello at me an yelling who invited that guy to all the guys at the bar
So I am guessing last night was a success we are all accounted for and only 3 of us have hospital bracelets on
You're the only person that can successfully use titties and Jesus in the same sentence.
its 4am. im standing over him in my bed eating chinese food, on the phone with dan trying to convince him to break up with his gf. whoredom.
The problem with Wednesday evening drinking is that no gets to my level. It's like like a one man party. But it's a goood party.
Just woke up next to a girl with 30 hot dogs in my bed. Vodka you win again.
So we reenacted men's olympic skeet shooting using roman candles and flattened beer cans. That's all
If you don't want me in your apartment then lock your door better
He just subscribed to one of my Spotify playlists. The next step is sex.
I came back and almost ran over two people passed out in my driveway I've never met before in my life
my new years resolution to eat more toast and mastrubate more often is going well so far.
So that guy from plenty of fish has a lightning bolt tattooed on his face. I kinda feel like I HAVE to sleep with him now.
What can I say, like your penis. The fact that I like the person attached to it helps too
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