my breakfast just consisted of gushers (made with real fruit!) and they're trying to tell me im not eating right?
WHY AM I ALWAYS DEFEATED BY THE LATIN COCK?!?!
Finally considering to keep my landing strip before I have sex.. I feel like It makes me look mature.
I was trying to be a bartender for my boyfriend and his friends last night, but I was too drunk so I just kept bringing them ice cubes in my hand.
Just missed the last train for another 5 hours. There are balls in or around the mouth of my life.
Here is a brilliant idea passed on from men who have that same regret. WEAR A FUCKING CONDOM ALWAYS.
we're decorating our christmas cookies with birth control. so pretty.
I'm pretty sure I made out with a guy in a man thong.
Tony's mom to him at breakfast: "I found the shirt you wore last night in the bushes this morning."
YOU LICKED MY MAKEUP OFF.
My mom and my boss just had a discussion on FB about the sexual habits of old people. The magic of the Internet.
Not this time. I'm drinking in my sweatpants which means I've given up for the day and shouldn't be in public.
I would throw a dart into the Olympic ceremony and fuck whoever it hit
I just checked and if you bring a picture of your ex they will shred it and give you a free 'hater shot'. Would it be too much to print off one of their wedding pictures and bring it?
I really love that you're not going the 'why am I not married and having a kid yet?' route, but rather 'thank god I dodged that bullet'
You know the story of the boner party, right? They got stuck in the mountains and ate each other?
It was the Donner party... boner party was the porn version...
Randomize
