3:12 am: but i thought i was coming over tonight, don't fall asleep i wore new underwear
I can hear the grilled cheese talking to me. "Let me in there!" they wanna get inside me
Why did u sent me a picture of a dead horse?
i could hear you having sex and was jealous, wanted to kill the mood
have u ever looked at the reflection of the water n watched the poop come out of u?
why can't you just be normal
happy birthday! Any relationship between us is now officially illegal.
One person in the car. Three blizzards. Alot of judging.
how are you not completely traumatized after 8 years of friendship with me?
Remember when I booked a hotel room for next sat? Nneither do I.
I have too much pride to pick his chest hair out of my mouth again
You aren't going to like my movie choice because it's a Disney movie, but I am cordially inviting you to the couch for blowjobs.
He walked in at 7am saying that the police had his shoes and phone because he's being investigated for attempted auto theft.
Side note. I love it when I think I've sobered up and then I get a second wind of drunk
And the sky opened up and god said.... "WET T-SHIRT CONTEST!!!!"
The stripper told Tom to sort his life out
I hummed the theme from jaws while she was taking the pregnancy test....needless to say she was not pleased
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