Did you ever notice the eye of Sauron looks like Lindsay Lohan's vagina?
There are bud lights poping out of the zipper of my overnight bag and my dildo almost fell out in the elevator. not professional
Of course my walk of shame coincided with the alumni marathon on campus. But, I did get a thumbs up from the woman handing out water.
He was eating mac and cheese. Raw. Like as in he was eating the uncooked noodles then pouring the dry cheese in his mouth.
All that matters is I got the megaphone home safely
I gurantee you I'll be the only one dressed as a giraffe.
I decided I'm going to give him a celebratory fuck for his accomplishments. Knocked on his door, handed him some condoms and said "I'll be over tonight with sex and booze"
I want to be you.
And I just realized we will be at a strip club when the end of the world is supposed to happen. This is destiny
did you just say you're too stoned to fool around? okay we're over.
Was just messaged by someone in a Power Ranger suit on OkCupid... Figured you would approve
And thanks! There are perks to polyamory. And birthday orgies are one of them
I couldn't really understand you because you were really quiet and I said "I don't know what you're saying, it's kind of a big mumble" and you said "that sums up my life"
i feel like i shouldn't just had to send a text that said "no i will not eat your ass"
I've scurried myself in your trunk come find me in the morning
Watching porn.....Adele is playing in the background...so many emotions right now...so many.
Randomize
