so the chest pain/shortness of breath/overdose guy we just took to tm hospital is now running down market street from the police in a gown holding his iv.
He cooked the food on a paper plate in the oven.
why is it whenever you puke in the park there are always little kids on the swings?
We got blackout for the alumni dinner, and then walked THROUGH the keynote speaker, managing to still say "excuse me".
Sundays have taken on a whole new meaning when I'm not in bed with an excruciating hangover.
iPhone photo doodle is awesome. I gave my vagina some lazers and sent it to him. He has a whole series waiting on his phone for when he gets off the plane.
I used his computer to order the pizza and the only thing he had in his search bar was 'text NASA'
Guess which fraternity was just playing car to car frisbee in the McDonald's drive thru! Did you guess mine?
So after your set last night some 42 year old woman bought me a drink, professed her love for your music, and then made out with me last night because she thought I was you. Thank you.
I like to feed my guinea pigs before I get stoned. In case they get contact high and get the munchies. It's only polite.
Okay who let me pass out in a recliner cuddling a pitbull and a cardboard cutout of Orlando Bloom
So the 25yr old smokeshow I fucked last night said "Prepare to be disappointed" as he put the condom on. I was. 40 is bullshit.
I was sleeping and woke up in the bathroom already puking like i slept walk. Perrrrrrfect.
My friends said as soon as you walked in, I motor boated you like there was no tomorrow.
Yeah, I liked it.
My mother expressed her concerns about my drinking via a facebook message.
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