the new apple iphone has a feature that can find itself if you lose it, apple is getting closer to making a phone completely drunkproof...
remind me to tell you about the ham sandwich empire im building
Well, I'm a guy so I don't have one, but if its anything like the inside of my nose, yes, vodka would burn.
I cannot remember December 31 for the past 3 years. it might as well not even exist on my calendar anymore
She tried to kill herself by taking a whole packet of panadol. I mean HELLO THAT'S ME EVERY SUNDAY MORNING.
And at least you didn't have a dinner of Ranch Pringles and Double Stuff Oreos. I forgot that part of being single.
Send me the video of myself under the polar bear skin. It's important.
we used the fire extinguisher you had been cuddling with to decorate the cop car while they were inside arresting everyone
idk, it started getting weird when they were looking up videos of lesbian giraffes
YOU TOLD ME THAT YOU CAUGHT A TAXI HOME. SARAH SAID THE POLICE DROPPED YOU OFF.
That number that I thought was that dude's number...was actually my district manager's number. Fuckkkk.
Literally just one second of unclenched butt hole away from shitting my pants.
And then the night went full on bisexual.
Im going for myspace 2006 goth bitch. Your worst nightmare
If it makes you feel any better I almost got kicked out of the bar for yelling "enjoy your celebratory incest"
I love you.
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