my secret santa just gave me a pregency test
I'm in the liquor aisle and a 10 yr old boy yells, "My favorite beer is Corona! Daddy remember when you gave me some on our camping trip?"
There's a transgender game of twister in the basement...God doesnt want me to type this paper.
she gave me a blowjob during our lunchbreak and expected me not to tell people
I wouldn't blow him for all the queso in the world.
I'd rather blow that homeless guy who asked me to breast feed him.
If kinky sex was an Olympic sport they would be playing the anthem for me as we speak.
spending today hungover and untagging myself from all the pictures of me kissing girls so grandma doesnt have a heart attack. how was your new years?
Strip mythology. Everyone wins. Most of all me.
Omg that was my second thought of the morning.
First was that we had pop tarts.
Do you think it's wrong for me to hop on that dick before he realizes that he's gay?
You know you had a good time when you get the wheelchair treatment in Mexico back to your cruise.
Tempting guys with beer and cheese. How Midwestern are we?
EVEN AFTER ALL THAT COMPLAINING... STILL NO PENIS
The night took a wrong turn after I found you smoking a blunt with a midget behind the bar...
You just kept telling everyone to call you MFT.. Mother Fucking Tornado.
Randomize
