Do you have swine flu?
I know my taste in men is not always top notch; however, I don't sleep with swine.
Pigs, yes. Swine, no.
I had so many friends before that round of Never Have I Ever.
I woke up naked this morning and I found out that I thought I was Adam last night and Eve was my wife so I ran naked saying I was in the Garden of Eden and I could shit wherever I wanted.....too bad the garden was in my friends apt.......I spent the morning cleaning and have reached a new low
dad just smoked me out. he's yelling at room service for not giving him cookies and milk with his towels...we're both too high to know if thats a legit complaint.
He walked into my room in the middle of the night, whispered something about the patriot act, and took my tv.
I have discovered that there is nothing that a giant penis attached to a southern accent can't talk me into. yee-haw!
I'm not sure drinking my way through west nile virus is the best idea. Oh well, already committed to that plan.
Explain the King Dong next to my face.
The joke is on me because whale penis is forever in my search history.
Worth it.
It's 5am and I have yet to fall asleep. At what point do we just accept that I run on vodka?
I literally JUST MADE IT to the liquor store. I bought a box of wine with the lights off
I JUST SENT A TOILET SELFIE TO THE WRONG PERSON.
Is it sacrilegious to take tequila shots on Saint Patrick's day?
By 9 pm this evening I'll have accomplished smashing with two different guys in two different time zones in the same day.
Stay hydrated
when they cut me off i played the entire Justin Bieber playlist and left for another bar that didn't think i'd had enough to drink
Randomize
