I'm going to get a baby outfit made and send it to her that says: "My husband fucked his subordinate and all I got was another baby".
He was rambling about life and dignity and happiness. but all i kept thinking was PENIS. YOU HAVE A PENIS. I CAN SHOW YOU WHERE TO PUT THAT PENIS.
Birthday was great, I got entirely too drunk and made really poor life decisions. It was everything a birthday should be.
Sometimes I wonder if my parents know that I mean horny when I say lonely.
That's the only definition of lonely that I know.
I pretended I didn't remember seeing him hookup with that freshman, and he pretended he didn't remember seeing me hookup with that old guy. We have a beautiful and unawkward friendship.
Today's forecast: A sex tornado warning has been issued in your area. Counties affected include your bed, your shower, or your couch. This warning is in effect until further notice. Signs of a sex tornado include: your girlfriend coming up with a huge analogy to inform you that she's ungodly horny today.
We are stranded. Come find us. Bring an egg
I got carried out by security last night. AND the taxi had to drive up onto the sidewalk to get me i was that drunk.
Due to your tardiness, I'm saving you my tab
Her instagram is literally selfies, cats, and guys she's fucked.
just the thought of you slurpin down noodles really rustles my jimmy
you suck at sexting
I'm sorry for chipping my tooth on your vagina last night :(
Did April legit get married in a parking lot?
Last night you were throwing up in my toilet singing "all by myself."
Yeah. Of all the things to be cock blocked by a plague is the most unexpected.
Randomize
