I wanna come home
And do what?
Kiss. Rip clothes off. Repeat.
I just spit my fake tooth out at a customer. I think he thought it was my bubble gum though so it's ok.
we got so high we spray painted his girlfriend's UGG boots. she's CRYING. it's hysterical.
don't leave me alone with all the disney princess sluts
I drove to my yoga class while eating a piece of bacon. Wow. I see myself in a whole new light.
he's legally blind and likes the sound of my voice, good enough for me.
You were almost as fucked up as I was the night I hooked up with a bob saget look alike...
This is your morning news. Today at 5 pm I will be going out of town until the 29th. If you would like some great sex before I leave, please contact me. The available packages are: a house call, an outdoor excursion, or a delivery style in-car quickie. available only while supplies last.
The guy at the bar repeatedly told us he was an off duty cop from out of town, that to normal people would be the time where you stop asking him to smoke a blunt with us
It's gotten to a point that when guys say "I'm gonna cum" I've developed a habit of responding "dooo itttt" in a deep voice. #isthatweird
My friend asked me if I got home okay and I replied "Glad teat. Goodnight." Usually I can translate drunk me, but I'm even lost on that one.
PEOPLE ARE STILL EATING FAJITAS IN DROVES. BY THE CASELOAD. THERES A FORKLIFT OF SIZZLING MEATS.
If so I'm coming over there. There's no way I'm having "hello, how are you" conversations with my neighbors on acid
My car insurance payment showed up today, so no inflatable hot tub for now. Sorry to disappoint.
OMG I DIDNT READ THAT TEXT CAREFULLY CAUSE I'M ON THE DEVILS LETTUCE & I THREATENED TO PUNCH A CHILD OMG I'M SO SORRY
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