you got kicked out last night because right after you said "whats up?" to us, you downed your whole vodka ton and threw it across the bar.
but what if he tries to talk dirty to me with the lisp?
There are sesame seeds in my vagina. This cannot be explained with logic.
All of the sudden your world had become nothing but the sum of visible dicks. Welcome to life.
I am almost positive I asked to milk her when I was saying my goodbyes.
I'm drunk, I'm covered in pizza, and I'm watching Jurassic Park. I feel like you'll get this. xx
We had a threesome and he gave us bottle rockets and a lamp for our apartment
I forgot to ask you how long you're housesitting. By which I mean how many bones can I get in averaging 2.5 bones per day.
20.
I think we might have a drinking problem when the ASU kids called us crazy
No one made them take a shot with us at the 12 hour mark. That's their bad
I spent the whole ride asking the cabbie if people ever have sex back there, and if he wanted me to make that number one higher.
THANKS BE TO BLACK BABY JESUS IN HIS LITTLE GOLDEN DIAPER FOR BLESSING ME WITH NOT PREGNANT
I got a hand job after work. Remember those? From the 90s...
See, this is why you don't do nice things for people. You'll get stuck in the snow and you won't catch a dick.
if he ever tells me he loves me when we are sober, i am a goner. just fyi.
Totally just got spotted hitting the bowl by someone else hitting a bowl. We gave each other a head nod
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