I'm too high to be shopping. I just contemplated deoderant for fifteen minutes. Now testing pillows
how the FUCK am I supposed to macarena while doubble fisting?
This smoking ban is really fucking with my ability to fart in public
I'm too drunk to be surrounded by this many indians
How do you manage to be drunk and a racial minority so often?
When I stretch out her lips her vagina looks like a dolphin...this birthmark is awesome
The only piece of furniture in the apartment is a wine rack.
how was it?
he was petting the bushes because they were "napkins"
if the future wants me to fuck him, then i guss i have to
This medicine is making me nuts. I just woke up and I thought I was in a glass case with Asians staring at me.
Hooked up with a girl in the dorm laundry room tonight. And got invited to go to Vegas for free. That's how today's going.
he told me to take care of him and then he asked me to walk him to his hotel. I already have a pussy. I don't need another one
Well, he asked what my sign was, then proceeded to critique me on my beer pong stance... I really need to raise my standards.
"We drove to the deserted part of the parking lot, and that's where we blew each other. It was so romantic."
Auto correct isn't even working for how drunk you are
It's okay to admit that you're into redheads.
Randomize
