my dad just secretly slid me a nugg in front of my mom. remind me why I moved away for college??
I don't even remember his name...i'm just gonna save it as birthday sex
Today in psych we learned that you are a whore.
Me specifically?
Yep.
Just saw a baby with a T-shirt that read "I am the result of my mother forgetting to take her magic pills". I can't believe they make shit like that.
Mom just Facebook checked into an Applebees at 2am. Caption: ''WITH THE BESTIEZ.''
Holy shit, you lost your virginity on 11/11/11. Now every time someone fucks you, they can make a wish. Your vagina has officially been transformed into a wishing well.
Man in California was arrested for killing and eating a wild bobcat while high on crystal meth. Let's please NEVER get that high on anything...
Drunkasaurus has found a new cave to eat all the children she captured
I need to get you away from Bacardi 151 and out from under the bed
Well you wanna do it now or later? I've had three shots and I'm listening to journey by myself. Emotionally there is no better prime time than right now.
Just you wait I'll be crying and puking everywhere in no time
you just cant say you love him and then say you want to fuck your boss
My fucking earlobe is bruised what the hell
He's gonna do me a solid for doing her a solid. It's like pay it foward. But with sex.
My uterus just tried to get me to buy a tub of cookie dough
No. I'm home alone and 100% dickless. I hate my life.
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