i celebrated the independence of our country by dry heaving tequila all morning. so classy. happy 4th.
September 16th, captains log. I awoke in a daze, not sure of my location
they just started filling water ballons with vodka.
on my way.
It's been decided..lingerie is an investment. You get free breakfast and cab rides out of it.
Do you think it'd be inappropriate to have an I'm Not Keeping My Baby Party the day after her baby shower?
I like my landing strip. Makes me feel sophisticated.
What you did last night can never be called sophisticated. I don't care how you trim your pubes.
After this weekend, it looks come this holiday season I'll be walking in a winter abortionland.
Also just throwing this out there I don't think anyone who brings another girl back to your bed to share with you can qualify as a frigid bitch
All of the hungover. I've changed not showered but can't quite make it to the booze.
WE'RE IN THE RED ZONE PLAY THRU THE PAIN
If anyone remembers any details of tonight please address concerns to my lawyer. This is a mass text.
I was a plus one at an intervention for a person I didn't know.
I offer naked tickle fights and orgasms and you call it trouble. I call that Christmas.
It finally happened my mom knowingly gave me money to buy drugs i knew this day would come\n
When we became besties with benefits we agreed I could still get dick
I didn't think I'd have to specify "not my Dad"
THEY'RE HAVING SEX ON A HORSE AND THE HORSE DOESN'T EVEN CARE.
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