My 12 y/o god son's bandmate just asked me to their school dance. Still he's a better catch than the last one...
Alls I know is that his gf looked like Beyonce and he looked like Babar
If I die tonight, wear a V neck to my funeral.
What are you doing?
High. Watching Billy Mays infomercials...
That guy could sell me cancer.
I just witnessed two drunk midgets fighting over a graham cracker. I can die happy now.
my mom just told me its unladylike to have toothpaste stains on my clothes all the time.. if she only knew.
I know your texting costs money, but I'll pay for it if you consider this. Oversized frozen jello shots. I'll buy everything needed if you approve. Let me know
oh, so if i go friday and she's there, you are going to be my sponsor for not banging the crazy chick
He's German, so by default he gets to fuck me.
I changed my birth control schedule so that I'm on my period while you're gone this week
I don't deserve you.
the last time I drank tequila I ended up riding your skateboard nude down the street... so yeah, I'll have a few shots.
I just spent 12 consecutive hours in the same outfit and none of it was pajamas. If that's not personal growth, I don't know what is.
He made me tacos after the sex. Best date ever!
When my parents ask, do you think "he was the cop I gave head to in order to get out of a speeding ticket" will suffice as to how we met?
I passed out while searching "symptoms of narcolepsy"...
Randomize
