you were crying and the really sympathetic homeless man offered you a sip of his whiskey. who was i to stop you?
im gay
i know
yea but for you.
After work we went home to fool around. Turns out he had sawdust under his foreskin. I'm never going down on him again.
Just saw the first guy i ever slept with in drag. I can hear my grandfather saying "i knew she was a lesbian" somewhere
i like how i just referred to his pregnant wife as the "other" melissa and you didn't even judge me.
Her tits were the only thing that upgraded her from "no way in fuck" to "drunken mistake"
I have a cut on my head from a tambourine.
You just said the word 'slut' out loud in your sleep and then made a moaning noise
It's 1pm, she's in the shower, I don't have the guts tell her I wasn't her blind date. Someone got stood up.
The best part of Easter was watching all his colorblind cousins try to find the eggs.
The time to say "now you can't go and be strange about this at work" is not as you are penetrating your coworker. NOW its awkward
I cannot lay down. I will throw up my life and your life and the class hamster I had in third grade.
i just want to die with dignity and clean teeth, is that too much to ask?
So, I woke up under a table with an alarm clock on my face, my hair in a bag of popcorn, and my phone charger wrapped around me.. what happened?
You’re going to be a doctor, and I’m going to be a trophy wife. We both have goals
Randomize
