Highlight of my evening, pile of books falling onto me in front of people
I wish they made helmets for livers.
i just snorted my name. best moment ever
You made me wash my hair in the kitchen sink while eating bay leaves
You really need to get over the whole "jail" thing. Its really not that bad.
I always have trouble explaining my life decisions to people over the age of 30.
Dont forget the glove box taco bell stash i saved for drunk us.
She came to the party with six kegs and a life sized portrait of Lavar Burton. SHE WILL BE MY WIFE.
my vagina can't take this anxiety. there is no way he is 19 and this smooth. he's lying about his age or he's a goddamn sexual prodigy
When I told him he could take naked pics of me, did I really need to specify that he could not email them to my brother's friends for bragging rights?
Listen I'm a sentimental character under all this alcohol and ratchetry
You were in no condition to manage a 3-way.
For someone who claims to be straight, she knows a hell of a lot about bi erasure, and one Hayley Kiyoko song too many
woke up with 8 used magnum condoms bound together by floss around my neck, thats about all im gonna tell you.
If I hear that song one more time I will drive to hell and make John Lennon eat my ass.
Randomize
