Great date with Damon, but I'm not sure if telling him I like lesbian porn is a good second date discussion.
EVERY baby cries during their baptism. It's like they know from that moment on their parents are going to make them do lame things like their first communion and stuff.
non applicator tampons are so hard to put in when your drunk. i fingered myself for 10 minutes and forgot what i was trying to do.
You probably shouldn't be hiding under someones bed listening to them get head
Note to all middle aged "I totally let myself go after childbirth" frumpy mothers: I do not dress this way for your husbands. Stop looking at me like that. It's not my fault.
probably shouldnt have written that paper while wasted, its starts with once upon a time
i tried to stop you but you kept shouting "two birds with one stone!"
You just handed me your ATM card and wrote your PIN number on a dollar bill and said "for bail money."
Just found out my ex boss was running a whore house in the bar. Time to remove her as a reference?
Shoot me. I need tickles, a drink, sushi and a handy
Order is debatable
I'm your Election Erection Connection
I retroactively revoke all sex we've ever had.
I'm taking a leave of absence and sending myself to fat camp. I'll let you know when I'm out.
Go for gold. Two birds with one vag.
Whenever I'm hungover I try to stay in public as much as possible, hoping to be a cautionary tale to children. It's a public service, really.
His last name was woodcox? That just screams I've got a great penis
You are allergic to dogs. DO NOT kidnap something you are allergic to. No matter how fluffy.
Randomize
