so I was thinking like, Rob Pattinson could make so much money whoring himself out dressed as Edward Cullen.
yeah, I mean if he's down to fuck a lot of fat chicks and stare at Tiger Beat posters of himself above the bed...
theres bread in your mailbox im going to eat it
nevermind its newpaper
You were so drunk that some guy dressed as Harry Potter pointed his wand at you and screamed "Accio SHITSHOW"
Covered in glitter and dick. 2010 feels a lot like 2009.
My niece just threw up all over me. My sister's breastmilk was on my face. This is like a fucked-up porno gone terribly wrong.
I can't get a boner in the bathroom of a buffet.
In my drunkeness I was planning how to throw up without my parents hearing. I was gonna go for a "run" and just throw up outside.
That's exactly how my pussy feels when I shave it. Like a cross between a naked mole rat and a newborn child. Embrace it.
If you were a good friend you would take the nipple tassels off me before the ambulance comes.
Maybe you need to change your pickup move. The "hey check these out" titty flash gets you the wrong kinda man.
I woke up hugging my purse and I found a business card in my underwear. How?
too bad we didn't bet. my 38-1 tears would have made great lubrication for a blow job.
WHY THE FUCK DID I HAVE TO FALL IN LOVE WITH A CONVICT
Apparently I thanked the paramedics over and over again for saving the "happy new year" beads that I was wearing
The vodka gummy bears are so strong. If I die of alcohol poisoning, please tell my dad it was single malt scotch.
Randomize
