Why is it that you only get to have sex when you haven't shaved your legs in six weeks and are wearing period stained granny panties?
god damn woman. you are like the herpes of drunk texting. you never go away.
She celebrated a negative pregnancy test by going out to Quizno's. I really don't understand her at all.
I wish I could put booze in boobs and store it for later. I wouldn't need a flask. For $7000, they should do amazing things like that.
He just went up to bed, still drunk from last night, carrying a pear, a pipe, and an unopened bottle of wine. I think he'll be fine.
nothing like morning wood sex at 4pm. funemployment ftw
Come, dress lightly, bring tequila...
I want to buy her liposuction. And a spot on What Not To Wear. And a face transplant.
Just googled "penis wearing a hat" i think it's safe to say nobody found my ex's lost phone...
to improve your porn experience, just imagine a slow speaking older English man narrating it all like a Nature documentary
Ack! That is the first dick pic I've ever received. A) congrats B) that is way grosser than I ever thought t would be.
Just fat and dog and sweat all over the bed. All night long.
I CAN SPEAK THE LANGUAGE OF THE ANIMES.
yeah i'm making him "thanks for letting me befriend your toilet" cookies. wanna help? i'm sure you'll be making new friends too.
This friendship isnt goin to work if you dont respond to my drunk texts
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