Blind date just said "Can't wait till I'm married so i can let myself go". There will be no second date.
I hated hipsters before it was mainstream.
picked up a girl by parallel parking. i love this town already.
She gave me head because I gave her my pack of cigarettes...And you said quitting would be hard.
He only talks to me during the summer and it's probably because I let him fuck me in my pool last year.
Apparently there was a point in the night that they literally thought he was dead, ass naked on the floor. That bad.
Your brother came in a girls mouth for the first time last night... Ah the tales told whilst buying minors beer.
Bro she gave me the stare. It's like she boned me with her eyes. I'm going in.
Yes... I'll kill two birds with one crazy ecstacy filled night.
The nun costume is coming back hard and it still has glitter and the smell of Vegas on it.
Best. Text. Ever.
My mom just busted me rolling a blunt on her bathroom counter. ...all she said was fuck it it's Christmas
I was supposed to go on a date tonight but I cancelled because I found out the Lizzie McGuire movie is on Netflix.
He's gonna turn my vagina into the Sahara desert
A drunk and bleeding peter is knocking on your door... in nothing more than a sombrero, boxers and cowboy boots.
Why the fuck are you playing with legos?
Why the fuck are you questioning me?
Randomize
