my math teacher staples burger king applications to failed tests
You paid the taxi driver with a comb last night.
how should i feel about a person who brings a box of eggo waffles on the plane as a carry on?
the awesomeness of being snowed in wore off after we ran out of beer and we realized we really didnt want to be stuck with everyone.
I wish the ER had shaved that part of my head. It would be easier to show people my staples at the bar.
you were passed out so I asked you what my name was and you opened your eyes and yelled "ricotta cheese"
no way
that's when i decided you were gonna be okay
We got Pizza Hut & Papa Johns, delivered within seconds of each other, and both delivery people did a shot. I was put on Earth for this moment.
That dude with the beard walked up to me, turned my water into wine with everclear and kool-aid, and walked away. Pretty sure drunk Jesus is back.
Was having the best sex dream I've had in a while and only woke up when I heard my grandma fall down the stairs.
The best part about daylight savings time this weekend is we get an extra hour to be fucked up.
My Dicks been hard all day. Poor guy isn't used to vacation being over
It wasn't exactly a dick pic. It was more like a body shot with a hint of wiener.
Don’t worry I was with my ex husband for 10 years and he could never remember the year I was born, when our dating anniversary was or what year I graduated high school. But I still know that mother fuckers SSN lol
I just caught my bangs on fire trying to lite a bowl while driving. Thank god it wasn't my eyebrows like last time.
I woke up with my winter coat on, next to a polaroid of me, her and a swan...so no I don't remember our conversation.
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